Imhotep Beauty Wraps

Grab Yourself Some Death

Wrap yourself in the same cursed death shrouds worn by unlucky evil for time immemorial!

We now have in stock the death shrouds of the infamous Egyptian priest who had his tongue cut out and was embalmed alive to accompany his king to the netherworld. You got it: Imhotep! He came back, and he just keeps coming back! Now you can too…! Amaze your friends and make a fashion statement! Come back from the dead in the worst way possible! The biggest Hollywood celebrities do it ALL the time!

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Be The First On Your Block

—Or at least the first at Little League Practice!

—Or the first in your book club!

—Or the first in your office!

Just Be The First. That’s what really matters! Contact us and we’ll reward you with unendurable suffering that you can force on everyone around you! So if you actually do manage to contact us, well, you may have it coming. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Side effects may include becoming a walking dead mummy, mumbling wordless imprecations, falling into preserving bogs, smelling odd, being chased by torch bearing villagers, never truly finding eternal rest, smelling odd, stiffness in the joints, lack of internal organs, tendency to go up in flames, smelling odd, and clumsy shuffling.

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Classified Ad: Gratitude

Classified:

Married White Female shouts out to her kids how great they are. Wants them to know how proud she is of them and how much she enjoys each day with them. I am honored to have them in my life.The individual good they each bring into the family amazes me. Am looking for a bit more help with the dishes, but the back scratches do make up for that. Willing to negotiate music tastes. Please, no knock- knock jokes. Earning your allowance outside of the family is always an asset. Love of books is guaranteed. Gratitude is unending. Blessings upon all.

Classified ad: found

Found (on purpose): one rainy Friday afternoon with school done (or at least set aside), no pressing plans, and tacos for supper. Old black and white movie might possibly be observed in the area. No need to call and claim; anyone can make a quiet evening at home, and it is highly recommended as a regular practice. Stress levels are low, voices are calm, even a little sleepy, and no one is really paying any attention to the clock. Physical descriptions of found item vary by household. There may be children and there may be tangled blankets half-spilled onto the floor. Hot chocolate may also be found in close quarters.

Lackadaisical Autumn weekend awaits.

 

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Classified Ad: Found, one item

FOUND: medium to small sized attitude of sarcasm. Ugly green kind. Appeared w/o warning and made the conversation go downhill really fast. Would like to get it out of my house ASAP. If owner would claim it, simply accept responsibility and do better next time.

Please note: we do not live on a farm and have no desire to foster other sarcasms, especially cynicisms. If they are dropped off at our door they will be drowned in a bucket, so be warned. We have our own sins and foibles, thank you.

Classified Ad

Wanted: Inspiration in a jar. Jar does not have to be mason style with added handle, or include country candle. No sparklies, please. Rainy morning blahs must not be slipped into jar, I don’t care how desperate a person is. I have my own battles here. Some shabby chic acceptable.

Also wanted: driving personal initiative. I seem to have mislaid mine somewhere.